Why Are We So Uncomfortable with Disputes in Construction—And Why We Often Skip the Most Human Solution

Lately, I had the chance to catch up with a group of construction professionals—quantity surveyors, architects, project managers, and business owners. We talked about many aspects of the industry, but one theme kept surfacing: disputes are becoming more frequent, and yet they continue to make us deeply uncomfortable.

This made me pause and ask: Why is that?

After all, we’re trained to manage disputes. We know how to trigger clauses, issue notices, go through adjudication or even litigation. On paper, we’re equipped. But in reality, when a dispute arises, even the most experienced among us can feel anxious, tense, or even avoidant.

Then it hits me: it’s not about what we know—it’s about what we feel.

Disputes in construction are rarely just contractual. They involve strained relationships, high pressure, financial stress, and reputational risk. When communication becomes guarded and trust starts to erode, it’s not the technical steps that hold us back—it’s the emotional toll.

And this brings me to a question I’ve been thinking about for a long time:

If mediation is collaborative, cost-effective, and relationship-oriented—why do we so often skip it?

Mediation, by design, is a process rooted in dialogue and empathy. It offers a safe and facilitated space to speak openly, be heard, and find common ground. In theory, it should be the most logical first step. Yet, in practice, many industry players jump straight to adjudication, or worse, into prolonged litigation.

Why?

From my recent conversation with the professionals, it sparks me with the possible answer: because mediation requires us to show up emotionally. It means facing the other party, talking through the tension, acknowledging discomfort, and admitting that something’s gone wrong. That’s hard to do in a culture where confrontation is often avoided and vulnerability is seen as weakness.

So instead of engaging in conversation, we often hand the issue to a third party—an adjudicator or a judge—hoping for a decision that feels less personal. But avoiding the conversation doesn’t resolve the emotional strain. It simply postpones it—at a higher cost, both financially and relationally.

So how do we deal with the real root of this discomfort—our emotions—so we can make space for better resolution methods like mediation?

Here are a few practical insights drawn from my experience that might help you face disputes with more clarity, confidence, and even empathy:

Acknowledge the Emotional Weight

Disputes aren’t just technical—they’re emotional. They can bring stress, shame, blame, or fear of damage to our reputation. Ignoring those feelings doesn’t make them go away—it just suppresses them until they show up elsewhere. Naming and accepting these emotions is the first step toward resolving conflict with clarity.

Shift the Perspective: Dispute ≠ Destruction

In many cultures, including here in New Zealand, we tend to avoid conflict to maintain harmony. But in construction, conflict is often inevitable. It doesn’t have to be destructive. When approached constructively, disputes can reset expectations, improve communication, and strengthen relationships.

Consider Mediation as a Bridge, Not a Threat

Mediation may feel confronting, but it’s actually one of the least confrontational ways to resolve a dispute. It’s a structured, facilitated process designed to support conversation, not conflict. When we move past the fear of “talking it out,” we discover that mediation can reduce emotional pressure, not increase it. It’s a tool for early resolution—not a sign of failure.

Let’s stop skipping mediation and start seeing it for what it truly is:

a professional, human-centered way to handle conflict before it escalates.

Separate the People from the Problem

Every dispute involves people—often under stress, trying to meet deadlines or protect their interests. When we focus on the issue, not the personalities, we can lower defensiveness and move toward resolution. Mediation supports this mindset by keeping the discussion solution-focused, not blame-focused.

Equip Ourselves with Soft Skills 

We’re trained in technical disciplines, but rarely in how to deal with emotional tension, difficult conversations, or active listening. Yet these skills are just as essential—especially when facing disputes. The more we build our capacity for empathy and communication, the more prepared we are to lead (and resolve) through conflict.

Final Thoughts: It’s OK to Feel Uncomfortable—But You’re Not Alone

Disputes are part of construction life. The discomfort is real—but avoidable conflict and prolonged silence are often worse. By learning to sit with discomfort and engage in dialogue (even when it’s hard), we become not just better professionals, but better people to work with.

The more we talk about the emotional side of disputes, the less power they hold over us.

And the better we become at building projects—and trust—together.